You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
–from the poem “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver
As some of my readers know, this blog was made private for a short time and could not be accessed. This is because at the time, I was going through quick and rapid changes in my personal life as my husband and I have separated and will be legally divorced by the middle of next month.
You won’t find me divulging my most personal details regarding my ex and you also won’t hear me speaking of him in any disparaging manner so all of you haters and drama queens out there can keep your comments to yourself. The reasons for the divorce are many layered and have been a long time in the making–even before my apostacy–though admittedly, and perhaps obviously, my loss of Islam was the nail in the coffin.
It seems that people, women in particular, are expected to follow duty first and put happiness on the back burner. I think this is tragic and I have made a conscious effort to put my happiness first and foremost. This doesn’t include shirking all responsibilities, because things like the well being of my children or the advancement of my career are both things that make me happy. For me, it does, however, include having complete independence in making my own decisions and deciding my own destiny.
It is because of this fact that I don’t know if I am marriage material. I rebel against any percieved attempt at control. I beat myself up because I think I’m not good enough. It took me thirty six years to realize that I am good enough. Actually, I’m pretty damned awesome. It’s when people place expectations on me that I can’t (or don’t want to) meet that the misery appears. So I say fuck their expectations.
I do not believe in an after life. I believe that this life is the only one we have. Religion seems to encourage sacrificing this life with the promise of a better one. This is complete and utter rubbish. The only thing we can be sure of is this life and it can end at any time.
Let us all learn from our sorrows so that we may experience joy.
It’s good to be back, y’all.